Fear of that life inside a bubble

Scary.

If there is a word I could use to describe the way I felt when lockdown was first announced, it would be exactly that. Scary.

Even the air seemed to have changed, concern and fear became the common aroma; no matter where … no matter where.

I must admit I was no exception to this; I would be in a constant state of anxiety about the virus and what it could do to me, to close ones and to society itself. Sounds rather negative and depressing, doesn’t it?

For many, it certainly was. I would check in with friends and they were all having negative experiences with the lockdown; uncertainty, loneliness, extreme boredom. At first, I understood. But as the days went by ,I couldn’t relate to my friends with those feelings.

Now that such time is over, I am aware my experience was abnormal, and thus, perhaps worth sharing. To me, this was the time when I found myself more than ever. Often desiring to feel what I felt back then. Every day was exactly the same. Wake up, have bread with hot chocolate with my mum, sew, watch films, bake and when the sun set, sit outside in the balcony and write down words in my journal. Oh, and how could I forget! I would take my dog on the same exact walk every day. It was monotonous, repetitive, lonely.

Yet, it was through such repetition that my mind changed in some way. The trees were suddenly prettier, the moon brighter, the sunset more magical and the ordinary was nothing but extraordinary. It taught me to admire the beauty of what was in front of me.

The only tears that I cried during this time were tears of fear. Fear of life inside a bubble that I had created in lockdown ending. Because it was indeed a bubble my hearted created to isolate myself from the terror and tragic news of every day.

And indeed, it ended. Life is surely going back to what it once was.

I realize how privileged I was to be able to find beauty in a time that was heartwrenching for society. I never got sick, nor did anyone close to me, a fact I am infinitely grateful for.

Some days, not very often now, I can look outside my window and be transported back to that place. To where little golden sparks fill the air, the place that lockdown created within my mind.